About two weeks ago as the boys and I were doing morning prayer during school, we somehow began discussing what an amazing thing is was that our friends, Mark and Kristy, were being obedient to the Lord and choosing to have a tubal reversal to let God be God over all their lives again. During that discussion it was mentioned that I had had a tubal also. The first things out of the boys' mouths was "I want more siblings. Are you going to get one too?" That caught me a bit off guard, though I had been thinking about the whole situation quite a lot since Kristy had told me about their decision. The boys were so cute as they excitedly discussed their orders for more kids, in what genders and hair-colors and numbers! I told them that the Lord was really working on me to see children as the precious gifts and blessings that they are and that they should pray about wisdom for Mom and Dad to make whatever decisions that they needed to make.
Well, their prayers went something like this, "Dear Lord, please be with ............... Please help us have a good day and get school done quickly. Please help ............ come to know you and pleeeeaaaaasse help Mom and Dad make the decision to have more siblings for us. Amen"
Every morning prayer time went much the same way, and the Lord was really changing my attitude toward His blessings in my life, and the boys' prayers were being answered in my heart. And in the middle of one of those pre-prayer conversations, the Lord spoke to me and said "You need to apologize to Charles." I had never thought of that before, but I was convinced that He was right. When I had my tubal, though we had previously discussed getting it done, I did not ask his approval before I scheduled the surgery. I had usurped his authority. More than that, though he had agreed that a tubal was the best course of action, he had not wanted me to get it done. I had seriously hurt him when I cavalierly scheduled surgery and then informed him about it.
So I told God, "Yes, I need to apologize. I don't feel that this is the time, so I ask You to show me when I should."
The week finished and I kept praying about when to apologize to Charles, but I still didn't feel the tug, so I waited. I wanted to bring up the subject of a reversal to see how he felt about it, but just didn't know how in any casual manner, so I devised a tricky plan.
(yes, I know that some of you are laughing and thinking 'now that sounds like Hanna!')
We were planning on taking the boys to IKEA for breakfast Saturday morning and then we'd all wander through the store since Charles had never been there, and we were shopping for a new mattress. I suggested that on the way we should do morning prayer just like on school days. I was driving and we began the pre-prayer review of what and who we needed to pray for and Mikey piped up with "and please help Mom and Dad decide to have more babies." The reaction from Charles was priceless as he was just a wee bit caught off guard! I don't think that I've ever seen his head swivel so fast from front to back or seen him straighten up so fast in all our married life! He then exploded with, "It would be nice to know about these things ahead of time!"
We had our prayer time, arrived at IKEA in time to beat the crowds and had a great breakfast, then a ton of shopping during which the kids were pretty good. By the time we were done there we were all pretty pooped out.
After we had got home from town, we had all our usual chores to still do, and as the evening wore on, Charles and I got more and more on edge with each other. I can't even remember what the argument was all about, but we both ended up in separate rooms grumpy with the other each other. I was sitting in the chair in the living room, knitting away furiously when the Lord said "Now" and I knew exactly what He meant. He meant that now was the time to apologize to Charles for the tubal, and I said back to Him, "Not now.... Really? Now? Oh (sigh) alright." So, I went in to the bedroom where Charles was folding clean laundry and I knelt down at his feet. I was so unnerved that I couldn't even look up at him. I apologized for usurping his authority, for being completely insensitive by not even asking him about scheduling the surgery and for taking control of my life and not trusting God with it.
And that's when freedom came!
I was telling not only Charles, but God as well, that I was sorry for my self-centeredness, that I was giving control back to God.
And my apology freed Charles of the hidden resentment that had been there the last 9 years and neither of us knew it.
We were both FREE! And nothing has been the same since!
I've given all my life to God and I totally trust Him with it. I've turned over my finances and my weight and my marriage and my children... all of it to God.
My marriage has never been better, truly! I'm so in love with this man who has loved and protected me all these years even though I grievously hurt his heart. He is leading our family and I'm submitting and loving it! And the boys are seeing such changes in us that they are making changes!
Oh, thank You Jesus for taking my place, for bearing my despicable sins and for conquering death so that I might be brought near to You! Thank you Lord for faithfully pursuing me all these years, for giving me eyes to see and ears to hear! Thank you for the blessing of each of the boys and especially for Charles, a man who models your love to us. Thank You Father, praise You Jesus! I live for You!